December first: the real countdown to Christmas begins.
I am quite excited for this holiday season. While Christmas is not the only holiday being celebrated this month, it is the one I choose to celebrate. Personally it is not for any religious reasons, but purely tradition and togetherness (aka spending time with the fam).
Louie is napping. As I was putting him down for his nap, he kept on sleepily brushing his hand across my tummy; in other words, he kept on accidentally tickling me. Which normally wouldn’t be an issue, but trying not to laugh was a challenge. I didn’t want my laugh to wake him up, therefore ruining nap.
There is a certain peace that fills the air in the presence of a sleeping baby; a serenity that is often hard to discover elsewhere. It is the best sort of “solitude” I get throughout my day. Not in the sense that I am entirely alone, (obviously I am not — Lou is here), but being in the presence of a sleeping baby: a calmness flows through the air. A calmness that entered my body with every breathe; entering my lungs, pumping through my veins with every heart beat. The calmness is all consuming. It is a gentle reminder of the pureness, the richness, of life. As much as I am having to teach this little human, I feel as if I am learning just as much, if not more, from him.
I see the world through a different lens now. There is so much pure, raw life in children, such honesty, that social norms filter out of most people as they grow older. A baby’s laugh, while it comes out of a tiny body, has more pure enjoyment — more strength — to it than most adult’s laughs. Adults, while they still laugh out of pure happiness, they also laugh out of discomfort, anxiety, embarrassment, etc. Adults fake laugh to make others feel better about their lack of humorous jokes. Adults make jokes about “rape culture” and “mass shootings,” things which hold no humor, yet people laugh due to making light of horrible situations (by the way: rape, gun, assault, race — any sort of discriminatory subject — jokes are NOT funny. Why don’t people understand this?)
I digressed… Back to topic: as he is napping I am sitting in the corner by the window, listening to Joni Mitchell, writing, and sipping on some carrot ginger soup. Even though I have no real excuse, I am exhausted. Mentally and physically — feeling the sensation of heaviness in my eye lids as I stare at the screen. I could make up excuses, reasons to justify it, but that really wouldn’t make a difference, would it? I feel that often we try to come up with words in order to explain our feelings, but why can’t we just live in the emotions, accept them in the form they come without having to put words and reasons to them? Living presently in the sensations of whatever we may be experiencing in the moment.
I would never claim to have the best memory, but there are a lot of times from my childhood and teenage years that I have very little memories of. Not because I lack a good memory, but because I live in my head a lot, (I didn’t take note of what was happening around me, as I was going through life on autopilot). I dream, both when I am asleep and awake. I do not remember if certain things happened, or if I just replayed the same daydream on repeat so often I created the illusion of a real event. I try to live more presently now, but in our society it is not the easiest thing to do, it isn’t necessarily reinforced in our daily life.
I wouldn’t say anything is wrong at the moment, but I am just exhausted. Do you ever just feel like crawling into someones arms, smelling the sweetness of the laundry detergent on their sweater, letting them hold you close while you gently close your eyes for a rest? The rawness of letting someone take care of you, the vulnerability of letting down our walls to let them do so? Occasionally I get tired of taking care of myself, this is one of those glimpses in time that I wish there was someone who could just take care of me for a couple of hours. But, here I am. With a smile on my face. Waiting for the baby to wake up, to feed him a snack, get him dressed, put him in his stroller as we head to the subway to go into Manhattan. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely not bad either. I say my gratitudes and continue on living — trying to stay as present as I can.
(Side note: I don’t know if anyone else still uses Pinterest, but I personally love it — especially for finding recipes. My computer will often notify me of “interesting” pins I might enjoy, including “15 lentil pins you might like” or “18 kale pins you might like.” I clearly have a very intriguing life… ha)
I hope everyone’s December is off to a good start! Buh-bye!