I admit it: I am horrible at consistently writing for this blog. (I take that back… “consistency” cannot even be used in this context, because consistency doesn’t even exist). I have no routine or structure when it comes to this. I’ve tried, but struggle with the balance of privacy vs. sharing. While I understand the great importance and value that comes along with connecting through sharing life experiences and perspectives, as an introvert, I also crave the ability to drop off the planet to be in my own private space — the stillness that comes from aloneness (being alone, while it can co-exist with loneliness, is an entirely different concept than being lonely in the “negative” emotional sense). Even when I am not posting, I am writing, but in the my own notebook. Paper and pen. Privacy.
It is safe to say, I am an extreme introvert that requires a great deal of alone time just to function. But, I still need socialization (just tiny amounts of it). Introversion and extroversion fall on a spectrum. No one is 100% introvert or extrovert, (just like I feel most people are not 100% straight or gay, but that is a whole different talk). I am quite an extreme, especially in our extrovert-praised culture.
With that being said, most people will probably admit that moving to a new place, particularly a large city, can be a lonely process. While there are people swarming the streets, the process of making friends (especially for an introvert), is not the easiest to say the least. I hold myself responsible for putting myself out there and socializing, but often I stick to myself — cafés and books: my happy place. (Which I personally love, but also gets me no where when it comes to making new friends).
But, I told myself I would put in the effort, as much as I also don’t feel like it. So I signed up for a dating app, attended some groups, looked into volunteer opportunities, went to an actual yoga studio (instead of just doing yoga at the foot of my bed), etc. Not the biggest efforts, but hey, I am trying. I’ve gone on a few dates, none that turned into anything, but a little effort is better than none. Baby steps.
Confessions of an introvert: There is a certain dread that hangs over my head when anything social is planned, but if I can just force myself to step out the door, get on the subway, make the effort — I am normally glad and relieved that I did.
I feel like at this point I am self aware enough to know what kind of socializing to do… which events I enjoy vs. dread: Coffee shops and parks? Yes. Partying and drinking? No, thanks.
(Yes, I am aware this sounds slightly pessimistic — I did not intend for that. I do genuinely enjoy socializing and meeting new people, but on the other hand, I have a great love and craving for the freedom that comes hand-in-hand with solitude. I am aware I am a bit of an odd soul — at least in regard to western culture– , but I am perfectly okay with being odd and imperfect; no one is really as normal or perfect as they may appear).
So, as I continue this unstructured post, I will say that my time in NYC has been good so far. It has it’s up and downs, but there are ups and downs no matter where I am geographically, for the simple explanation: it is life. It’s amazing, and messy, and wonderful, and sad, and surprising, and disappointing. . . There are ebbs and flows.
The ebbs and flows of my menstrual cycle in particular impact my mental perspective of the external world. Hormones. Gotta love (and hate) them. I feel like bonding with a baby has made my hormones go slightly crazy. As of this moment though, my period has come to an end, so it’s all looking up. I have my rose colored glasses on again, after a rough week of PMS. (Is it safe to say I’ve officially gone on a rant at this point..?)
And with that, Louie is napping, my heart is full, and I have a coffee friend-date tomorrow morning. Look at me go!