During the month of July, my future all started assembling. The mismatched pieces became more aligned. The “future” is barely the future anymore, as it is all becoming the present moment.
I have an internal drive to write — to share my life. But, also, an internal conflict over how I devote my time. Conflicted with how much time I currently want to spend writing for public eyes, versus purely living in the present. I could have found the time to write over the past month, but instead of writing I would choose to use my left over energy exploring the city. Instead of writing, I found myself wondering through Central park for a couple hours or walking miles along the Hudson river. Choosing to spend my energy by being physically active, instead of glued to my laptop screen.
I did some journaling over the past month, but that is way less time consuming than writing a blog post. I journal some now, but for a different purpose than when I was younger. As a kid, I took journaling to the extreme — I filled up a total of around fifteen journals. I would write every detail, and I mean every detail as in the most boring aspects. I would write down the time I woke up, how much time I spent hanging with my cats, what time I went to the grocery store, etc… Details that don’t even make up much of a story. I simply wanted to document it all, scared and anxious I would forget my life.
As I got older, it’s like my writing got stuck at a station, while I was on a bullet train. Getting caught up in the rush of life, which I don’t mean in a bad way, just living presently in the moment. Enjoying the moment without fear of forgetting the past or fear of failure in the future. I’ve learned to go along with the natural ebbs and flows of life. While I believe there is extraordinary value in sharing life stories, I also believe there is extraordinary value in appreciation the present, and most often “ordinary,” moments.
Hence, I am conflicted in the balance between living life and spending time writing about living life. And yes, I understand the great value and experience that comes from writing, but at this moment in my life, I’m trying to navigate a healthy balance. This navigation is largely due to figuring out my own self, my own personal priority list. There is a multitude of different activities I would love to engage with, but I fear I enjoy the idea of a lot of things, rather than purely loving the activity in itself. Deciding on what aspects to really devote my time to is difficult and (currently) ever changing.
This is more of a ranting post. I guess another post is to come soon where I will try to analyze myself more. I feel like a lot of personal growth happens in a person’s early 20’s. Every year it’s interesting to look back on how I’ve evolved — my changing relationship with the world and society.