Wow, this trip has not turned out the way I expected…
Starting off in New York was amazing! I’ve been to the city before, but when I was younger, so I didn’t remember much. It was like seeing everything for the first time, I felt like a kid again. This part of the trip was wonderful in many ways! So much family time!!
Then as I headed off to Ireland, I really had no idea what to expect. But let’s just say it was not what I expected. Everything, from the minute I got there, was bittersweet and the emotions were too much for me to handle. Out of respect for the situation, I will not give details, but let’s just say I didn’t expect it to cause so many emotions to rise. Due to stress from everything (and major jet-lag) I was hardly able to eat anything for about six days in a row… I started getting too skinny from the stress, it was wearing me down in every aspect (my emotions really manifest in my body physically).
So for my health, I said sorry to my wallet and changed around two plane tickets in order to put myself in places where I knew I would be surrounded by good company. So I headed off to France a week early, and then right after France I will be heading straight back to NYC for the weekend!
Currently, I am in Lyon, France. I went out to a tiny house party for New Years Eve, and at first I was terrified of the language barrier (because I was the only American among French) but in the end (as an introvert) it kind of saved me. I didn’t feel the pressure to talk as much, BUT on the other hand I really wish I did know French (like SO badly!). I really feel grateful to be able to be here, and for the people that are hosting me. They are truly so sweet and helpful!
Throughout this trip though, it has really made me think. Life is messy and complicated, but it’s a fact that I accept. I don’t expect life to be happy all the time, and I don’t believe I would be living an honest, raw life, if everything was always sunshine and rainbows. Life (as cliché as it is) really is a rollercoaster. And I’ve always said I would rather experience every emotion under the moon, then go through life suppressing my emotions. The older I get the more extreme the emotions get. The highs are higher, the lows are lower, and I only expect this to continue as I continue to grow. I learn through mistakes and keep going even when life gets tough. I felt like growing up I often tried to be “perfect,” now I just try to be as human as possible. And emotions are a normal part of being human.
I didn’t think about it as I was changing my plane tickets, but afterwards I realized it was perfect that I was flying to France on December 31st… New year, new place, new chances. Learning the balance of being there for other people, but also doing what is necessary to love and respect myself. I’ve learned so much about myself this past year.
I really don’t know what 2017 will bring, but instead of being scared of uncertainty, I am learning to embrace it. The uncertainty means I have so much control over my life, I am not tied down by anything (expect maybe financially– but that can get figured out). I can take my life in the direction I want, but that also means I have a lot of work I need to do personally to make this happen. This year is what I decide to make it!!